I'm thankful that it's over..
- I took the recipe on how to make an entire Thanksgiving dinner, and I ran it through Google translate. And now I'm gonna take that recipe and I'm gonna cook it. And I'm gonna eat it.
(onion crunching) (spitting) The apple's went bad. All right, turkey first. (bag ripping) Mm, be there for the turkey. (onion crunches) I can do that. These are so bad. Listen partner, I know we sometimes have difference of. Difference of opin- Difference of opinions. What is your? They're both buttholes.
I'm here for you. (hand smacking) I just wanted to let you know that, okay? (lips kissing) (gags) You always emotionally prepare your turkey before you physically prepare your turkey.
Wrap with turkey all about aluminum foil. (hip hop music) ♪ Gobble gobble we wobble ♪ ♪ And grovel at all of em fossils ♪ ♪ of gospel we haul off ♪ ♪ Then throttle hostile apostles ♪ ♪ We in toil and boil ♪ ♪ Over spilled milk we McPoyles ♪ ♪ Crude as a barrel of oil ♪ ♪ We going solo we soils ♪ ♪ Let's wrap this up like tin foil ♪ ♪ I have ideas to uncoil ♪ ♪ My essence no stressing ♪ ♪ My present weapon is counting my blessings ♪ ♪ Staying mad are the peasants ♪ ♪ Misunderstanding my lessons ♪ ♪ I see you staring ♪ ♪ A stairway ain't the only way to heaven ♪ I'm out. Hmm. (foil thudding) Don't look at me like that. In a bowl, combine the parsley, rosemary and celery, thyme, lemon, pepper, salt and a small amount. Of what? Ha, one second, TELL ME! I has a bowl, woo woo. Oh, you're so close.
Bowl. Small amount of parsley. Rosemary, we don't know her.
Thyme, all I got is time. Lemon pepper, all I got is lemon pepper. Celery. (sneezes) Oops. Put herbs or a mixture in the vacuum and the same goes for the turkey, onions, cabbage, carrots hence, the case of the CNN Turkey. Oh, I've seen a few turkeys on CNN. Sorry again. Wait, what do you want me to vacuum the turkey? Well, you probably know what you're doing.
(vacuum whining) I'm sorry. This is gonna be one flavorful vacuum. Most of you are thinking, wow, that's a real big waste of food, which, yeah, kind of.
Oh, those apples are so sad. But, which you have two of, we're not only donating part of the ad revenue we get (cabbage crunching) from this video to Meals On Wheels, but we are also buying 50 Thanksgiving meals for families in need. (sighs) Which could not be possible unless I made this video in which I'm, you get it. That's a bunch of cabbage. Boy, my cabbage to carrot ratio is, wow. I should clean up along the way. (vacuum whining) (groaning) Body slam. (turkey thuds) Where's my phone? Thank you.
(vacuum whining) Oh, that's real smart. Clean the turkey before we eat it. You missed a hair.
If desired nail to a roasting pan. Oh it desires. (scoffs) Bottoms up, yup, both of them. (hammer clanging) And that's how you nail a turkey. Um, hammer, with a hammer. May I bake it now? Uh oh. That's how you nail a turkey to the table. We'll just move the oven over here and just cook it, like.
(pan rattles) Who knew nails even went through wood? Give the seasoning smack round the Turkey inside and out. Now we're talking.
We're gonna give turkey the all seasoning smack. Okay, if you know what I mean. (seasonings splatting) There you go. (hand smacking) Can't help but notice there's no cabbage, carrots or onions. (hand smacking) There they are. (hard rock music) (hand smacking) What is that? Oh, my turkey's got hemorrhoids. Slap that back in. A gift?
You little drug mule. What is all this? (gagging) Are these your insides?
They should be in here. (whistles) Just put those right back in there. They will find their way back into the appropriate spots. All right. (sighs) Looks good to me. (rock music) (hand smacking) Joyfully pour chicken water with champagne to all over the turkey. What the heck is chicken water? Is that a La Croix flavor? I've heard of milking a chicken.
Not successfully, but I've heard of it, but I've never heard of water in a chicken. If that ain't chicken water, then I ain't doing it again. Open, woo.
(cork popping) I've never heard of this, but I've also never nailed a chicken before, so. To do so is in the opening of the turkey breast to stretch your legs, do not fall. You want me to stick my foot in that? (belches) Excuse me. What is all this? Oh, you are just full of surprises and body parts. Excuse me. That feels pretty good besides the fact that my foot is neck deep into a turkey butt. Does this mean I don't have to make stuffing?
Let go of me. I already want it to be Christmas. Step one of stuffing.
A loud voice proclaim, and did break the bread pieces with peanut butter preheat to 350. A loud voice? Okay, but it's gonna lack depth. And did bake the bread peanut butter. Yeah. I would also rather have a sandwich, no offense. Honestly, this is just going to add to the value of the turkey. Yes, I plan on selling it. (bread clattering) Piece of bread?
(bread thuds) How many of these do I make? (bread clattering) Can't be that many. There's not a lot of room in there (laughs) 'cause you have a big heart and that weird looking fleshy bone thing.
Add onion and parsley roots or cook eight soft children. Uh, why not both? This is the oddest pregnancy craving I've ever heard of. Add the seasoning salt and pepper. That's the only two seasonings you need. Seasoning salt, that's a lot. And seasoning pepper. In a medium bowl add the chicken butts and where did you go? What are you doing in there?
In a medium bowl add the chicken butts and knees with eggs dominated. Hmm? Mm.
(grunts) I have but one chicken butt, singular. Chicken knees? No, that is not the language chickens speak. Chickenese. And then eggs dominated. (eggs cracking) (eggs splattering) (gasps) Muggsy Bogues (egg clatters) He's missed before. Oh yeah well take this (egg cracking) Whoa. The shoes go with that. Yeah, season generously with pepper until completely coated.
That's honestly real gross. (belches) Stop that. Cover your mouth.
Now, we don't want the holes. We want the flood gates of heaven. Transfer the mixture to the prepared meat bowl. I didn't prepare a meat bowl. There's meat in a bowl. Oh my nose itches. (sniffs) (gasps) Does that mean I'm having company? Oh, I'm not ready for company. And then you just form that into a bowl.
It's in the name. Transfer mixture into meat bowl. That's a so much pepper.
Bake for 20 minutes, which is more than golden. I've never baked a meat bowl but I believe you. It's been 20 minutes and it smells. 'Kay. Then make sure that the turkey is full to me and they are ever in the skin as far as, and bake it until it turns golden brown. You went real Hebrew on me just now. You could have just said shove it, loud and clear. I'm still confused about which opening things go in. Oops, you dropped your uh, sir.
(gasps) This is like a turducken except there's no duck. A Turk-chi-cow. Oh, there's so much more room when you just shove it harder.
Yep, shove that right in there. And that is how you turkey. All right, what do now? Roast the turkey in a preheated oven for two and a half to three hours until it turns down. Turns down for what? (dance music) (laughs) You're gonna do great. And while we wait, ham. Step one for ham. In medium bowl combine the maple syrup, orange juice, ginger, brown sugar, okay honey.
Okay dear. Hey. I've used all my medium bowls.
Orange juice, darker orange juice, red headed orange juice. Absolutely delicious. (gagging) It's more redheads than I've ever met in my entire life. Maraschino cherries and other fruits are brought to you by. Ads. If you're anything like me, you hate being this short and you don't like it when you're watching a video when nothing interrupts you. So if you also want to be interrupted more you're in the right place. Ads, thank you for that. Sharpen the outer edge of the ham with a sharp knife and a diamond point.
Ham. (ham thuds) That's about as sharp as you're gonna get. Oh, wait, the cut should be about one fourth inch deep to your liking.
I like your cut G. (hand smacks) This does not allow the knee to burn the meal. Yeah, did you hear that? (flame hissing) I will throw away the water in the spoon because all the stones in the spoon are water. (imitates explosion) Stay in school. It looked like a lot of water, so she poured into a jar and boiled it. That's the wrong pronoun. That is a lot of water. I don't have a jar or a lot of water.
(chuckles) To be fair, people are on top of the ham. Oh, I am so sorry. It's boiling.
And it's gone. (laughs) Put your hair in a suction trap and store it. You want me to put my hair in the vacuum don't you? (vacuum whining) Do you, are, how, what, just stop that. (vacuum whining) The cherries. (gasps) The cherries. You mean (lid pops) these cherries? (chuckles) Secure all around the ham cherries using your matches. So we're not nailing the ham.
Okay, no, that's fine. No, no, I'm not, no I'm not mad. All right, this should be flammable.
I know this looks dangerous, but don't worry. I have plenty of chicken champagne, evaporated jar water and a really well seasoned vacuum. Is this how we're gonna cook the ham? Progressive. Can save you 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico. Let's cook that ham. Oh, no smoke alarm? Really? (alarm beeping) (screams) Ham is baked in an oven and heated for two hours.
May I remove the matches? That was the worst birthday ever. You're gonna do great.
Let's just breathe. Okay, a lot has happened. A lot of things caught on fire. (exhaling) You hot? And a Thanksgiving meal wouldn't be complete without family bringing the mashed potatoes. Step one, put the crushed and chopped potatoes in a large stocking and rinse thoroughly with water. (knife thudding) I'm just cutting potatoes over here. Now this is the stocking stuffer I want. This doesn't scream potatoes in a stocking then I don't know what does.
Rinse with water. (feet sliding) Bake for 20 minutes in a half bowl. That's just another way of saying a medium bowl.
I don't have any more. Well, I guess if I have a smaller bowl than this and then a bigger bowl than this, then this is a medium bowl. Will this not burn? I'm just going to go ahead and let that boil real quick. Quietly. Put the boiled potatoes on, oh. And the potatoes are done. I've also taken this time to clean up a bit. I knew you'd appreciate that, oh.
I'm just glad I can still fit into my sassy shoes. The more you walk, the more mashed potatoes you make. Dinner will be ready in a half a mile.
Butter, cream cheese, milk, salt, and pepper as needed. Butter, cream cheese, push all that down to the potatoes. A little bit of milk, a little bit of pepper and a lot a bit of salt. I'm gonna go for a light jog. The mashed potatoes will be done when I get back. Served with warm sauce poured, uh oh. And boiling hot gravy. Oh daddy. I think I can go ahead and transfer all this to a bowl or my other leg.
You don't like cranberry sauce? I'm making it. There's always that one person.
There's always, there's always at least one person right? I don't know. Step one. (belches) everyone, 'scuse you. Everyone, he continued to put the cranberries in the bowl and then washed them. I couldn't find real cranberries. but, there's cranberries in this. Oh, oo, you're so close. I'm here for you.
What was I continuing to do? Put the cranberries in a bowl and then wash them. Did that, been doing that, done with that.
And motivates damaged cranberries. (inspirational music) You may be ugly and you may be damaged, but you are ugly. Don't forget that. All of you are here for a reason. Whether or not you're whole or not. It doesn't matter. Ah, excuse me. Now I see every single one of you. You're beautiful in my eyes.
Get it together. (inhales) And I know you will succeed because if not, you won't be used and you don't want that. (hand slapping) (sobbing) No one wants that.
I'm sorry. And how it would be remissed, nay, another word, if I do not see you succeed. You must. (hand slapping) You know, if you wanna be great, you gotta be great. Now pick yourselves up and get back in that bowl. We have a dinner to make. Add the sugar and the water to the boil of a fish sauce. Okay. Ooh, don't, just, I wouldn't either look in there.
What am I doing? Boiling a fish. Got it.
There's only one thing I love more than fish sauce and that's not using fish sauce. A little bit of sugar and that's gonna make something. I can't tell if that's my mashed potato sock or if that's the fish smell. Okay, while that boils hopefully away completely. Then look back at the cranberries you have created. I did that. You know what I would give for just like a thing of green bean casserole? Step one, place a small bowl of water where a large green planter is ideal. So no green bean casserole.
Okay. A small bowl? Finally.
Small bowl of water. I have plants here. So I'm just gonna put them right here. They look a little dead. I'm gonna use the water to revive them. Honestly, the easiest step. (exclaims) Slores be flippery. Did I say slores be flippery? (laughs) Step two, please, please cheese now.
Well, since you asked nicely, twice, quite aggressively. Raise the honey well. No cheese?
We're just gonna, we'll just put the cheese back, okay. (sentimental music) They grow so fast. Sprinkle with green beans and other French fried onions. We're just gonna ignore the whole honey montage? Okay. Sprinkle with green beans. (beans plinking) Come here you. (onions plinking) Maybe the pumpkin pie will be good. By the time the onion and cheese is, why are you so high up here?
If I were you I'd be taller. By the time the onion cheese is melted and just starting to brown preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Smart, thinking two steps behind.
I like that. By the time the onion cheese (gasps) I get to use the cheese? You're gonna do great. Step one, use the innocence of your hands mix together flour, salt, and sugar with butter. What size bowl? You better hope we don't ever need a bowl again this is the last one. Butter, just a eensie weensie tad of sugar. And flour. We should probably use all the flour because I'm just not good with plants, apparently.
Just gonna go ahead and mix this with my innocence as if I did not stick my entire foot inside of a turkey's butt. And that's how you make pie crust. Honestly, I'm as surprised as you are.
Place the oil between the fingers and your forefinger. Is that like a forefather? Is that a finger ancestor? Just a little Olive oil, this year, Walmart. Their thumbs and their great toes did not. Well, my great, great grand toe did. (blows raspberry) Mm, it is what it is inscribed in the center. I don't have any tattoos. Oh, I do.
Brew the oil prepared espresso a banana coffee in it. Hm. (items banging) (spoon clattering) (liquid dripping) (liquid splashing) I didn't have any bananas.
(gagging) I already have to go to the bathroom. One cup of water mixed with water this creates confusion. Sure does. And the last step is just crust. Okay, to make the filling beat the eggs with a little bowl in a large bowl. No bowls exist here. Don't look at that. Four eggs should be good. (bowl banging) Combine the brown sugar, white sugar, salt and spices, crushed ginger, peanuts, cardamom, pepper and a passionate lemon.
Brown sugar. Or as I like to say, my girlfriend. White sugar.
Or as my girlfriend likes to say, azucar. Salt. Or as I like to say, my girlfriend's attitude. (laughs) And spices. Or as I like to say my girlfriend's attitude. (peanuts rattling) I have nothing to say about those. A mom with a cardigan and pepper. The only seasoning you need. Oh, and a passionate lemon.
Eh. Disregard the cabinet shelf and conduct an ice cold test. I don't wanna hear it.
(cabinet door slams) What's an ice cold test? It is. Also found some chocolate in there. So I'm just gonna go ahead and take a break. (chocolate cracking) I said take a break. Put the oven in a frozen or refrigerated cooking bowl. Now is not the time to be dyslexic. Add your mixture your crust showing your best skin. I already am, man.
(hand slapping) Hams that looked this good don't come around, but on Thanksgiving okay? Except mine are year round. Bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees with a slight glance.
You're gonna do great. Shut up cabinet. In the last step, serve with a belt. (belches) I'm not telling you again. Oh my Lord. (belches) Twice. (bluegrass music) Hm mm mm yum. Let's get a little ambiance going. I am Beyonce.
Let's just dig in. Honestly, that looks pretty good. If it were cooked all the way.
Well, I've had questionable poops for the last two days so, wow me. That's not bad. If you just don't think about where it's been. Now I know the ham's cooked. Cooked it myself. I like the crispy part. So just reach wherever. Eat your heart out, Gordon Ramsay. 'Cause it will probably taste better than this.
I forgot that we made a ginger glaze. You can have that sword if you can get it out. (gagging) Oh my wow it's so good.
It's pretty sour ham. I think it could have used a couple more minutes with the matches. Cranberry sauce. My favorite. (gagging) Oh, if you thought the ham was salty. Oh, who blew out my candle? What happened to Beyonce? Ooh, ooh, I am, I'm stuffed. Speaking of stuffed, there it is.
Look at that, that's. Mm it smells like peanut butter. Oh, we did put peanut butter in there.
Really sticks to your teeth. It tastes like grass, and feet. Green bean casserole. Honestly, I'll just eat green bean casserole and nothing else. So this is the only one I was looking forward to. That's plant water. (gagging) oh, wow. What is that little taste I taste? Well that don't taste like any of the ingredients I put in there.
Huh? Pass the mashed potatoes? Sure thang.
Boy, if that doesn't trigger my trypophobia. (laughs) I'm full. Let me just get at that mashed potato right there. I'm not too worried about the mashed potatoes. They were just on my leg and I know where my legs have been. They've been with me the whole time. That's actually not bad. It tastes like mashed potatoes. Honestly, best thing here.
The hose potatoes. Who made them? (laughs) And last, but definitely not pie.
Pumpkin pie which I just realized we didn't put any pumpkin in it. It looks gooey. Oh, that really does smack you in the back of the throat, oof. That tastes a whole lot like peanut brittle that hasn't brittled yet. Well, that's it. That's Google translate. If for some reason you wanna see more Google translate, don't worry your thankfully thick thighs. I made a playlist. (liquid spraying) Yee hoo, hoo, hoo, stop it.
Bye, I hope you have the best to ever mainly because I said so mostly because you want to, you wanna piece of ham?